It's my birthday and I'll write what I want to! hee hee hee
Actually, I do that most days anyway! It's real simple-I wish for joy and happiness for my family and friends. I believe if you can find joy even in the smallest of things than you have a spark of hope! Don't underestimate the importance of hope. It goes hand and hand with faith and even a small portion will move mountains!
Today I turn 43. Not a milestone birthday but it's another birthday that I can celebrate which, in my mind, is better than the alternative. I still have lots and lots of things I want to do. Places to go. Things to see. Things I want to learn about. Most importantly, people to love on! I have made mistakes-some were doozeys! I have suffered through some rough patches. I've had times of feeling helpless and hopeless. I have been a failure! I have earned every wrinkle and gray hair! I wouldn't change it because I am the person that I am because of where I have been!
Despair is a terrible disease. It is grief and anger, hopelessness and helplessness, bitterness and loss of joy all rolled up in to one. So many people today are feeling this way. They don't see any hope. They don't feel any joy. They feel trapped and pinned in to a corner with no way out!
I know how that feels, I've been there and I don't mean figuratively or philosophically. I mean I know what it's like to be at the very bottom clinging on desperately by your fingernails and wanting to just let go because you're tired of fighting. My name is Trudy and I even failed at attempting suicide many years ago. I am the ultimate epic fail! Yes, I have been there.
I don't talk about it much. It's a dark chapter with a long journey. But it was a turning point-a wake up call! You see, I survived. I got to see the aftermath and the impact and how devastated my family and friends would have been had I actually succeeded. I thought I was alone. I thought even God had abandoned me.
That my friends is a big fat lie and it is the greatest self-deception out there! You're never alone! You may not believe it right now, but trust me, I speak the truth because I have been there!
The question I was asked most was why-why would I even consider suicide as a possibility? The best answer I have is being soul weary. If you could see my soul-you'd see a bleeding gash here, a festering sore there and a gray almost lifeless lump barely breathing-struggling for every breath. The pain is always there, it never goes away and you've lived this way for so long that you have given up all hope that it will ever change. The only thought is ending the pain. You're not trying to purposely hurt anyone else or exact revenge, you simply want to stop the pain.
I know what it is like to experience that still small voice of God because I heard it on that day. It was a moment of crystal clear clarity. I didn't really want to die! I wanted to live! I remember with tears rolling down my face praying one last prayer "God I don't want to die but I don't know how to live." And that still small voice answered back "you're not going to die today because you have things that you need to do, you WILL live!" And I did!
My homeroom teacher showed up at that moment. He literally dragged/carried me to the nurse's office where I took a dose of Ipecac and spent the next few hours throwing up every pill I swallowed. I owe my life to Tom Sargeant, one of my homeroom teachers, and Cindy Senning the school nurse who alternated between holding the pan and holding me! My family, my friends they held me a lot tighter too. They were angry, they were hurt, they wanted to understand but most importantly, they wanted me to know that they loved me and that I didn't have to go it alone!
Healing did not come overnight. It was a process that had to be worked through. But healing did come and so did hope and joy and happiness. It came from love!
I am blessed. I got a second chance. Life hasn't always been easy since then but I have never given up hope! I am happy. I do have joy!
So when I say that my birthday wish for my family and friends is joy and happiness I mean it with all sincerity! I don't want anyone to ever feel that they are alone! I don't want them to feel that there is no hope! I'm here, I love them and I want the very very best for them! And I promise, I'll hold them very tight and I won't let go! You are never alone!
If you are reading this and you are at the place that I describe, reach out, grab a family member or friend and let them help! If you are a friend, don't wait to be asked, just go and help!
And to my beloved family and friends-thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for holding tight and carrying me when I needed help. Thank you for kicking my butt when appropriate! Thank you for loving me-warts and all! I am blessed indeed!
Happy birthday to me!