Forgiveness-It's a Living Thing

King David-remember him?  He is described as a "man after God's own heart", the giant slayer, the great leader of Israel.  King David the ultimate perfect God follower.  If you read in the Old Testament though, you realize that he was just as flawed as the rest of us.  Maybe that's why he is included in so much of the Old Testament, as a reminder to the rest of us that God can use even flawed individuals to do great things!

So it was with great interest that I read Psalm 109 in The Message paraphrase which is noted as "A David Prayer".  It starts off in the positive:

"My God don't turn a deaf ear to my hallelujah prayer..."

It goes down hill from there.  Basically he is praying for God to obliterate an enemy.  Here's just a part of the Psalm:

"Give him a short life and give his job to somebody else.  Make orphans of his children, dress his wife in widow's weeds; Turn his children into begging street urchins, evicted from their homes-homeless.  May the bank foreclose and wipe him out, and strangers, like vultures, pick him clean.  May there be no one around to help him out, no one willing to give his orphans a break.  Chop down his family tree so that nobody even remembers his name." 

It goes on, but you get the gist.  This was not a lovey-dovey, warm and fuzzy prayer.  This was the prayer of a man at the end of his rope wishing that the person who persecuted him was wiped out!

Let's be honest, we have all had similar thoughts and prayers at some point in our lives.  Our prayers though, are not documented like David's prayers!  We have been wronged and yet, the other person just keeps on keeping on.  Why why why do they not get their come uppance?  Where is the delivery for us, the justice we seek?  Seriously, haven't we endured enough?  Good Christians are not supposed to think that way, yet we all have those moments.

There have been times in my own life when I have endured some things I would not wish upon anyone else!  There have been times when I wondered why a house didn't fall out of the sky (a la Wizard of Oz) or why someone didn't get struck by lightening because they oh so deserved that fate!  Forgiveness was not exactly high on my list.  I had done nothing wrong yet I was the one who was suffering.  They needed to ask ME for forgiveness, not the other way around!  THEY were the ones who needed to be stopped.  THEY were the ones who needed to pay.

Yet, Jesus told us to forgive.  Not just once but "seven times seventy", or in other words, forgive without end. "But God," we argue, "they surely don't deserve it and they definitely haven't earned it!"  But that's not the point.  Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook.  No, it's far more personal.  Forgiveness allows you to be free from carrying the burden.  Anger unchecked, festers and it turns into bitterness and bitterness will eat you from the inside out.  To become totally and utterly absorbed by bitterness is an ugly thing.  It clouds your perception and taints everything in your life.  How you live, your relationships with others, your work become driven by your need for revenge.  It not only effects you spiritually, but it can effect you physically.  The longer you carry the burden the heavier it gets and the more exhausted you become!  No wonder Jesus was so clear about the need to forgive!  Forgiveness isn't just a "thing", it's a living thing!  If you want to live, really live, then you have to make a choice to let things go.  YOU have to choose to forgive!

If I sound like I speak from the voice of experience, you're right.  I've lived out both scenarios.  One time, when I was younger and I couldn't let go of what had been done to me, I made myself so miserable that I got to the point that I didn't want to live.  I attempted suicide.  Not as a way to "get even", no, I just wanted the pain to end!  I wasn't sleeping, I certainly wasn't eating right and my only thought was revenge.  I was consumed with settling the score.  There was no room for forgiveness in my heart.  A wise friend talked with me about it and I described how I felt and I clearly said "I am the victim, I can't forgive, I don't have the strength to forgive!"  My wise friend said, "you don't have the strength but God does, give it to him!"  So I said a prayer, "not by my strength but by the Lord's strength I forgive."  And it wasn't easy!  I had to say that prayer over and over and over again!  After a time though, it got easier.  I had to say it less often.  It got to the point where my first thought in the morning was not about revenge on my assailant.  It got to the point when it wasn't the last thought at night.  Eventually I got to a point where I stopped thinking about it completely.  I went from victim to victor.  I learned to forgive and in the process I got my life back!

Fast forward to a few years ago when I was attacked and accused unfairly.  It was just as painful, I was just as angry.  The difference though was I refused to let the bitterness consume me!  It wasn't easy, but I had learned my lesson.  I didn't want to go back to the way I had been when I was younger!  So I said the prayer again and I kept going and kept living.  Lo and behold, there came an opportunity to get my revenge.  I could have filed charges and had this individual thrown into jail and had a lien put on all of his posessions.  He would have lost everything.  I had individuals telling me that I should go ahead because he had certainly earned it for the hell he had put me (and my family) through and he surely deserved it so why not settle the score?  I didn't do it.  In the whole scheme of things, my act of forgiveness was more important to me than the satisfaction I might gain from seeking revenge.  I had moved on and I wasn't going back!  I chose to forgive and then live and that mattered more to me!

In this life people will hurt you through no fault of your own.  Yes, you have been wronged.  You have a right to be angry about what you have lost.  But you also have a choice.  You can choose to nurse that anger or you can choose to forgive.  When you choose to stop carrying the burden you choose to live.  Instead of focusing your energy on what you have lost and the person responsible for that loss you are instead free to focus on moving ahead!  What you choose to focus on dictates how you live.  And living is a whole lot easier when you let go of that burden and choose to forgive!  Another word for forgiveness is grace.  Grace is the essence of living because it opens up new and wonderful opportunites.  It truly is a living thing!

So the lesson of David's Psalm is this-we may feel the exact same way as he did, and justifiably so!  We may even have times when we pray a prayer just like his prayer.  But we have a choice.  We can wrap that anger around us like a comfortable blanket until it encloses us in bitterness or we can let it go and choose to forgive. Our choice will effect how we live.  Choose to forgive if you truly want to live!

And You? Go About Your Business Without Fretting or Worrying

The blog post title is part of the concluding line of Daniel chapter 12 in The Message paraphrase.  With everything going on today that word of wisdom from an angel is a good reminder to all of us!

Seriously, there are certain things in life that are beyond our control that we can not do anything about.  I can not stop a stock market crash.  I can not stop a meteor if it chooses to come to close to earth.  I can not cure cancer.  This is not my area of knowledge or expertise.  For some people, this is their area of expertise and God bless them for using their skills to address certain problems!  But in the whole scheme of things there are certain things that are beyond my control and worrying myself sick over them will not help me or anyone else!  Daniel needed this reminder as well!

Prior to these closing lines Daniel had seen some pretty scary visions in vivid detail-sort of like a 3-D bad dream with surround sound!  We know he became physically ill trying to process the information and we know he got distracted from his duties because of the dreams.  Daniel even tells us that he fainted in terror.  It wasn't until an angel came and touched him that he regained some strength and then he was able to listen to the interpretation.  Bottom line, Daniel was seeing future events and they were going to happen and there was nothing that he could do about them.  He was told simply to write them down and then put the vision under lock and key because now was not the time to reveal them to others. 

I know that doesn't sound very hopeful but even in the midst of chaos God always provides hope if we are willing to listen through the ears of faith!  If you go back to chapter 10 when Daniel first encounters the angel he starts off by saying this:

"Daniel' he said, 'man of quality, listen carefully to my message...From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard, and I set out to come to you."

Now understand, at this point in time Daniel had been praying for three weeks.  The angel then goes on to explain that he was delayed because he had to fight against the prince of Persia (keep in mind that battles happen beyond our realm of seeing and understanding) and it wasn't until Michael came to help, that this angel was able to get away in order to speak to Daniel.   Makes you wonder what would have happened if Daniel had stopped praying and waiting for an answer, doesn't it?  

In chapter 12 the angel goes on to tell Daniel that there will be big battles ahead, many will die but those who have chosen to live wisely, those who lead others by their example will be saved.  The angel says this:

"And those who put others on the right path to life will glow like starts forever...In the interim there is going to be a lot of frantic running around, trying to figure out what's going on."

 At the very end the angel tells Daniel to relax and go about his business without worrying.  In other words, keep living the life you have been given to the very best of your ability.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't concern ourselves with things that we should be taking care of ourselves.  What it means is that we can't drive ourselves to distraction and despair over things that are beyond our control.  We can talk a good talk but if we don't lead by example then we can't lead others towards the path they should follow. 

Too often we fall in to one of two camps.  The first camp is the pessimist group-they worry over anything and everything and because they are so obsessed with worrying they get absolutely nothing accomplished.  The world is going to hell in a hand basket and the sky is gonna fall, so what's the point?  Everything is scary, everything is risky and rather than dealing with things right in front of them they just shut down.  The other group is the "the Lord will provide" camp.  I don't have to do anything about this because the Lord will provide.  Again, nothing gets accomplished because they just sit back and wait for the big hand in the sky to drop off what they think they need.  Thing is, what they need may be right smack in front of them but they do nothing with it because it doesn't look like anything they expected! 

There has to be balance.  Don't worry about things you can't change.  Do take care of things that you have control over.  Pray and keep praying for things you need.  Thank God when he shows you how to take care of things in ways that you did not expect.  If you keep on keeping on, regardless of circumstances people will notice.  If you want others to follow lead by example.  Give them something worth following.  And go about your business without fretting or worrying. 

Pretty good advice if you ask me!  It came from an angel.  But if you want even more evidence of what good advice this is, go read what Jesus said because he said the same exact thing!

Moments of Jubilee Amidst Anarchy?

So I have had an interesting convergence of daily Bible readings over the last 24 hours.  Yesterday's reading came out of Second Thessalonians, and today's reading was the last few chapters in Leviticus. 

Let's start with Leviticus because God was giving instructions to Moses about an amazing national celebration that involved rest and restoration-the Jubilee year.  The basic formula is based on the number 7.  God instructed that for six years crops would be planted and harvested but the seventh year of the cycle the land was allowed a rest.  No planting, no harvesting but you could live off of what the land produced on it's own for that seventh year.  There would be seven cycles of 7 adding up to 49 years.  Then the trumpet would be blown and the 50th year would be declared a holy year-a year of Jubilee.  It was a year where individuals would reunite with their families, where property that was sold would return to the original owners, debts forgiven and celebration would occur.  Jubilee-a year to celebrate God's abundant blessings.

There are ministers who like to preach on Jubilee who tell you to expect your time of Jubilee. That time when all goes right in the world and your ship comes in and all is well!  Well meaning, good hearted people do just that-they sow their seed and wait for a harvest.  Meanwhile all hell is breaking loose around them and they wonder what's going on and why their year of Jubilee has not come?  Where is their promised deliverance?  Are they not worthy enough?  Are they not faithful enough?  Did they do something wrong?  Did they miss the Jubilee boat?

Reading Second Thessalonians gives a slightly different picture.  This is most definitely a letter of encouragement from Paul!  In The Message paraphrase Paul says this:

"...you're so steady and determined in your faith despite (emphasis mine) all the hard times that have come down on you."

Paul then goes on to address the spirit of anarchy.  Other translations refer to this as the spirit of the anti-christ but I like the word picture that you get from using the word anarchy because it brings to mind chaos and disorder and it reminds me of what C.S. Lewis talked about in "The Screw-Tape Letters".  Here's what Paul had to say:

"That doesn't mean that the spirit or anarchy is not now at work.  It is, secretly and underground."

There's an important lesson here for today.  If you look at the headlines, even over the weekend, with the deaths of 31 service members in Afghanistan and the downgrading of the United States credit rating it does give one cause to pause.  Just when you thought things might be getting better why does it seem like they are getting worse?  If ever there was a time or need to call for national prayer, this is it, in my opinion!

What is the goal of anarchy?  Chaos, confusion, dissent, fear, loss of faith and hope and a host of other negative things.  Yes, these are things that are alive and well and flourishing in our world right now.  Yet, when you look at Paul's letter we know that the church was experiencing persecution.  They were living with anarchy yet they were able to hold steady.  That's the lesson in all of this-the ability to find your Jubilee within the chaos.  The ability to stay "steady and determined" despite the hardship.  That is the key!

I mourn with the families who lost a loved one.  I pray for them. Being the parent of a child in the service this one hits close to home because I know the possibility exists that I could get one of those phone call!  I mourn for the individual who lost their job because of downsizing and I pray that the next opportunity will be even bigger and better than what they had before.  I mourn for those who have lost their home because they couldn't make the mortgage payment.  In the midst of all of this though, I still believe that God is still large and in charge!  I mourn, I pray, I strive to keep my eye on the ball.  I pray for Jubilee. 

I see moments of Jubilee around me every day.  Right now, two of my friends are on their way to Joplin to do what they can to help out with clean up and to bring some much needed supplies.  Every step towards returning to a normal life is a cause for celebration!  They may have lost everything they owned but hope is strong and they are determined to re-build.  The veteran who chooses to endure grueling physical therapy to walk again is a cause for celebration.  They may have lost a limb but they are determined to stand tall and to move forward.  There are many other examples but the point is, Jubilee exists all around us if we just open our eyes and look! 

Bad things happening have nothing to do with a lack of faith or that someone did something wrong or didn't do enough.  Bad things happen because bad things happen.  The spirit of anarchy exists and is an equal opportunity opportunist!  You can respond the way that it would like you to respond-in fear and sadness and loss of hope or you can choose to stay steady and determined.  Even a little faith mixed with hope goes a long way!

To wrap this up, I'm going to quote The Message paraphrase because I think this is a good prayer for us all.  All of this comes from Second Thessalonians and it's powerful stuff if you can get a hold of it.

"May Jesus himself and God Our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech.  (I)..pray that he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something.  Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely."

I pray that you embrace the gift of faith and hope and courage and that you walk forth steady and determined.  I pray that you find your moments of Jubilee even in the midst of anarchy.  May God give you eyes to see what is right there in front of you!  Amen and Amen!

My Birthday Wish

It's my birthday and I'll write what I want to!  hee hee hee

Actually, I do that most days anyway!  It's real simple-I wish for joy and happiness for my family and friends.  I believe if you can find joy even in the smallest of things than you have a spark of hope!  Don't underestimate the importance of hope.  It goes hand and hand with faith and even a small portion will move mountains!

Today I turn 43.  Not a milestone birthday but it's another birthday that I can celebrate which, in my mind, is better than the alternative.  I still have lots and lots of things I want to do.  Places to go.  Things to see.  Things I want to learn about.  Most importantly, people to love on!  I have made mistakes-some were doozeys!  I have suffered through some rough patches.  I've had times of feeling helpless and hopeless.  I have been a failure!  I have earned every wrinkle and gray hair!  I wouldn't change it because I am the person that I am because of where I have been!

Despair is a terrible disease.  It is grief and anger, hopelessness and helplessness, bitterness and loss of joy all rolled up in to one.  So many people today are feeling this way.  They don't see any hope.  They don't feel any joy.  They feel trapped and pinned in to a corner with no way out!

I know how that feels, I've been there and I don't mean figuratively or philosophically.  I mean I know what it's like to be at the very bottom clinging on desperately by your fingernails and wanting to just let go because you're tired of fighting.  My name is Trudy and I even failed at attempting suicide many years ago.  I am the ultimate epic fail!  Yes, I have been there.

I don't talk about it much.  It's a dark chapter with a long journey.  But it was a turning point-a wake up call!  You see, I survived.  I got to see the aftermath and the impact and how devastated my family and friends would have been had I actually succeeded.  I thought I was alone.  I thought even God had abandoned me. 

That my friends is a big fat lie and it is the greatest self-deception out there!  You're never alone!  You may not believe it right now, but trust me, I speak the truth because I have been there!

The question I was asked most was why-why would I even consider suicide as a possibility?  The best answer I have is being soul weary.  If you could see my soul-you'd see a bleeding gash here, a festering sore there and a gray almost lifeless lump barely breathing-struggling for every breath.  The pain is always there, it never goes away and you've lived this way for so long that you have given up all hope that it will ever change.  The only thought is ending the pain.  You're not trying to purposely hurt anyone else or exact revenge, you simply want to stop the pain.

I know what it is like to experience that still small voice of God because I heard it on that day.  It was a moment of crystal clear clarity.  I didn't really want to die!  I wanted to live!  I remember with tears rolling down my face praying one last prayer "God I don't want to die but I don't know how to live."  And that still small voice answered back "you're not going to die today because you have things that you need to do, you WILL live!"  And I did!

My homeroom teacher showed up at that moment.  He literally dragged/carried me to the nurse's office where I took a dose of Ipecac and spent the next few hours throwing up every pill I swallowed.  I owe my life to Tom Sargeant, one of my homeroom teachers, and Cindy Senning the school nurse who alternated between holding the pan and holding me!  My family, my friends they held me a lot tighter too.  They were angry, they were hurt, they wanted to understand but most importantly, they wanted me to know that they loved me and that I didn't have to go it alone! 

Healing did not come overnight.  It was a process that had to be worked through.  But healing did come and so did hope and joy and happiness.  It came from love!

I am blessed.  I got a second chance.  Life hasn't always been easy since then but I have never given up hope!  I am happy.  I do have joy! 

So when I say that my birthday wish for my family and friends is joy and happiness I mean it with all sincerity!  I don't want anyone to ever feel that they are alone!  I don't want them to feel that there is no hope!  I'm here, I love them and I want the very very best for them!  And I promise, I'll hold them very tight and I won't let go!  You are never alone!

If you are reading this and you are at the place that I describe, reach out, grab a family member or friend and let them help!  If you are a friend, don't wait to be asked, just go and help! 

And to my beloved family and friends-thank you for not giving up on me.  Thank you for holding tight and carrying me when I needed help.  Thank you for kicking my butt when appropriate!  Thank you for loving me-warts and all!  I am blessed indeed!

Happy birthday to me!