Joyous Days

Oh my darling readers, where to begin?!  These are the days that the Lord has made.  I will rejoice, and be glad!  Here it is, the last day of January, and I am busily doing laundry to hang out on the clothes line.  The smell of laundry fresh in from the line is utter bliss, in my opinion!  The weather over the last few days has been gorgeous here in Missouri!  Yesterday, we tied a record high that has been in place since the late 1800's!  I bravely decided to start some seeds for an early spring garden, my optimism running high.  Yesterday afternoon, after finishing up schoolwork, the children and I went outside for a raucous game of red light, green light and their favorite-Captain Midnight!  We took turns launching their Nerf Rocket into the blue sky (Kenny was home in time to join in on that fun) and Elizabeth and I took a walk in the woods on our property!  The birds have been happily cavorting around the bird feeders on the front porch.  The dogs have been joyously frolicking around the yard as though they had discovered childhood all over again!  These are the days when the soul and body sing joyously with creation, enveloped by the beauty that it has to offer. It has been a fabulous stretch of days!

The mail brought a pleasant surprise as well!  On Friday night, I had ordered a used copy of Leslie Weatherhead's book "A Private House of Prayer" and it came in the mail yesterday afternoon!  The book is even more amazing than the excerpt that I posted the other day from the book!  I'll be writing more about the book later on, but for now, allow me to highly recommend that you get your hands on a copy of the book, if at all possible!  It is a GEM!  I can not believe that Abingdon let the book go out of print years ago!

Sunday brought some wonderful surprises as well.  My friend Diana (who also happens to be our church secretary) mentioned that there were some old books in the basement that were up for grabs, so I went down to take a look, after Sunday School.  It was like finding the pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow!  I walked out of there with as many books as I could possibly carry.  I didn't even get through half of the collection that was down there!  One of the books is "The Other Side of Silence-A Guide to Christian Meditation" by Morton T. Kelsey and it has been a wonderful read so far.  I've already made it to chapter 4 and just in those few chapters, I have found some gems of insight worth writing about.  I also found a collection of Great Devotional Classics that Upper Room Ministries put together back in the 60's and although I haven't had a chance to read through them all, I have already found a gem to write about there, as well!  Add to that my daily Bible reading, which has produced some new insights and "ah-ha" moments, and I have about a months worth of blog posts floating around in my head!

Prayers, meditation, mystics, insights and joyous ordinary moments-it has been a splendid few days!  It's like somebody turned the tap from a trickle to a full blown gush!  I am breathless trying to keep up, and enjoying every minute!

Stay tuned, darling readers.  May you have a joyous day!

The Coolest Mystery that You'll Never Fully Understand

Yesterday morning turned a little crazy around our house.  My daughter called me in full blown panic.  She is being transferred to her new post and she has to drive herself.  Her Jeep was acting up again and she needed to find a place to live because there is no housing available on base.  All of this would normally be a minor nuisance except for the fact that she moves next week!  I don't care how old your children get-when something comes up, fully mommy mode kicks in because once a mommy, always a mommy!  Even if they are far away, somehow you find a way to help!  I spent the morning on the Internet and cell phone.  I do believe today will be a much calmer, quieter day-although there is still a lot of work to do!  There's a plan in place now to make the transition smooth!

Yup, my daughter is beautiful, intelligent, poised and level headed but every once in awhile she still needs her mommy!  I look at my children and am amazed sometimes because I wonder how in the world I managed to raise them!  Parenthood is part art, part science and a whole lot of mystery!  That little baby grew and became an amazing individual and in the whole scheme of things you're not really sure how that happened!

In The Message paraphrase Ecclesiastes 11 says this:

"Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does."

Parents can relate to that statement!  Scientists and doctors can explain the process and National Geographic can create shows that illustrate the mechanical points, but that forming life is still a miraculous mystery that we will never fully understand.  As we come in to Advent I think about Mary and what it must have been like for her and how gutsy and courageous she was in saying yes to God's plan.  She knew, going in, that this child was going to be unique and special.  (All parents believe that each child will be unique and special but Mary heard it from an angel).  I doubt that she could even fathom just how things would turn out.  If she knew that 33 years later, the child that she carried, raised and nurtured was going to have to brutally die on the cross and that she would have to witness this, I wonder if she would have had cause to pause. 

Conventional thinking at the time was that the Messiah would be the "new" David.  He would be a king after God's own heart ruling a kingdom here on earth.  It was envisioned that he would be king and rule justly and live to a ripe old age and then die a natural death and be buried, just like David.  Persecution, suffering, they were not part of the equation. 

No parent ever envisions the worst for their children.  No parent wants to see their child suffer or make wrong choices or worse, that the child dies before the parent.  That is never part of the future that we envision for our children!  We envision the very best!  And though sometimes we can explain their choices, sometimes what happens to our children is a complete mystery!  We don't know what the future holds!  Why do they turn out the way they do with all of the likes and dislikes and quirks and individual personality?  The same set of parents raises the same set of children yet each turns out differently.  That is truly the mystery!

If that is how it is for us as parents imagine what it is like for God!  Each and every one of us created, each and every one his child, yet each and every one unique and different.  God envisioning the very best for each of us.  God also knowing though that pain and suffering will come in to each and every human life, to each and every one of his children.  It is a part of the warp and weave of life here on earth. 

No wonder he created a plan to be able to claim his children again!  No wonder he chose the mystery of childbirth-the creation of a baby in order to fulfill his plan.  God knew that there would be suffering and pain involved yet he also knew that there would be great joy that would come as well! 

God is the ultimate parent and he envisions the very best.  Yet sometimes a child will suffer.  It must be difficult to watch sometimes.  Yet that is the mystery of children, each one individual, each one with free will.  Will they make the right choice?  That is the question and that is the mystery.  It is the coolest mystery that we as parents will never fully understand!  That is exactly how it is supposed to be because that is a part of the mystery of life!  Just like Mary, we made the courageous choice to see it through, not fully understanding what that choice might entail but believing the very best for our children and their future.  We said yes to the mystery!  I for one am glad that I said yes!  I think just about every parent would say the same thing!  Life truly is a mystery!

The Healing Balm of Harvey Lake-Going with the Flow

Disconnect- (verb) to cause to be no longer connected, (adjective) disjoined, not connected

A perfect description of how I have felt over the last few months!  Life had become merely a matter of going through the motions hoping for that time when I could be rejoined or reconnected.  There was so much to deal with and so little time to catch my breath!  By the time I got to Vermont I was literally physically and emotionally exhausted.  Spiritually I had been holding my own but even that was beginning to wear thin!  I desperately needed a chance to recharge and reconnect!

Nature is one of those things that has always been able to soothe me when I'm going through rough times.  Vermont has plenty of variety in that category!  One of the hardest parts about living in Missouri in the summer time is that it gets so hot and humid that you have no choice but to close up the house and turn on the air conditioning.  No bird song, no hearing the leaves rustle as the wind blows, no sound of frogs singing at night.  Just the quiet hum of the electric fan pumping cool humid free air through the house.  It's tough to walk outside other than to walk to your air conditioned car or from your air conditioned car to your house.  Even gardening becomes an elemental task of endurance, rather than the pleasure it had always been for me!  And swimming?  There are not many lakes here.  There are rivers but you really can't swim in the Missouri or Mississippi and quite frankly, I'm not so sure I'd want to! 

These were not problems I faced at Harvey Lake!  The air was light and sweet filled with the smell of pine.  The windows of the cabin were open day and night.  The water ran crystal clear and cold and there was the steady gentle lap of waves as they hit along the shore.  No cell phone, no satellite television, no major chain store nearby.  I did have a dock that I could go swimming, fishing or boating from.  I had a fire pit in the front yard to roast hotdogs and marshmallows.  I had a porch to sit on and watch the action on the lake and enjoy the incredible mountain view.  And there were card and board games to play on the rainy nights. 

Harvey Lake is located on the eastern side of Vermont in a little town called West Barnet.  The area reminds me of the Vermont of my childhood-uncluttered, unpretentious and perfectly comfortable.  I discovered from talking with our camp neighbors that I was fortunate to be able to rent the cabin.  Apparently the owners, John and Julia, do not normally rent out their cabin.   It is truly a small gem set in a perfect location!  I can honestly say, there but by the Grace of God go I.  The cabin and the lake were truly a refuge for a battered and weary soul!

Lonnie came with us as well.  He had never been east so I had the chance to show him around a bit.  He got a chance to hike up Hunger Mountain and we all experienced the joy of walking around St. Johnsbury.  We ate the most fantastic meal at the local diner and my family got to experience the wonder of shopping at a small locally owned independent bookstore.  Funny story in all of this-St. Johnsbury still has parking meters and my husband and Lonnie were giddy with excitement because they got to park by a meter and feed quarters in to it!  They thought that was just the coolest thing ever!  My favorite part was stopping by a farm in Walden where I was able to purchase fresh blueberries!  I also finally replaced my 10 year old purse with a new beautiful fabric purse handcrafted in Vermont!  One of the things it made me realize was just how much I miss really fresh food which has spurred me on to get in a fall garden as soon as possible!  The produce was lusciously divine, I kid you not!  I love roadside farm stands!

Then of course, there was the reason for the trip-dad's funeral.  It was truly a wonderful memorial to the life of my father who not only made a difference in my life but in the lives of so many around our family.  I had the opportunity to reconnect with cousins and neighbors and dear childhood friends!  There were hugs and tears but also laughter and story swapping and catching up, it truly was a celebration!  Dad would have thoroughly enjoyed the get together!

Leaving was hard.  I made sure I cleaned the cabin thoroughly because I wanted to be certain that I left it in as pristine condition as I found it.  Then there was the stop by the folk's house to say good-bye to my family.  I didn't cry until we crossed the border from Vermont to New York.  Another chapter of life closed behind me, another chapter was ahead of me.  Life continues to flow on whether we are ready for it or not!  I wasn't so sure I was ready!

I was reminded of the importance of the flow when reading Ezekiel this morning.  In chapter 47 it says:

"Wherever the river flows, life will flourish...Where the river flows life abounds."

I needed to reconnect with the flow and to experience life again.  The sounds, the smells, the tastes.  The noise, the peace, the tears and the joy.  I stepped in to the moving water at Harvey Lake.  I immersed myself in the beauty and nature of Vermont.  I wrapped myself in the arms of loving family and friends.  I went with the flow and the healing balm washed over me.  Life will flourish, life will abound.  You just have to go with the flow and sometimes when you are so overwhelmed that can be a very hard choice indeed!

May you find your very own Harvey Lake.  May you recharge, reconnect and go with the flow.  There is a life of abundance waiting, just for you!  And great big luscious blueberries too!

My Birthday Wish

It's my birthday and I'll write what I want to!  hee hee hee

Actually, I do that most days anyway!  It's real simple-I wish for joy and happiness for my family and friends.  I believe if you can find joy even in the smallest of things than you have a spark of hope!  Don't underestimate the importance of hope.  It goes hand and hand with faith and even a small portion will move mountains!

Today I turn 43.  Not a milestone birthday but it's another birthday that I can celebrate which, in my mind, is better than the alternative.  I still have lots and lots of things I want to do.  Places to go.  Things to see.  Things I want to learn about.  Most importantly, people to love on!  I have made mistakes-some were doozeys!  I have suffered through some rough patches.  I've had times of feeling helpless and hopeless.  I have been a failure!  I have earned every wrinkle and gray hair!  I wouldn't change it because I am the person that I am because of where I have been!

Despair is a terrible disease.  It is grief and anger, hopelessness and helplessness, bitterness and loss of joy all rolled up in to one.  So many people today are feeling this way.  They don't see any hope.  They don't feel any joy.  They feel trapped and pinned in to a corner with no way out!

I know how that feels, I've been there and I don't mean figuratively or philosophically.  I mean I know what it's like to be at the very bottom clinging on desperately by your fingernails and wanting to just let go because you're tired of fighting.  My name is Trudy and I even failed at attempting suicide many years ago.  I am the ultimate epic fail!  Yes, I have been there.

I don't talk about it much.  It's a dark chapter with a long journey.  But it was a turning point-a wake up call!  You see, I survived.  I got to see the aftermath and the impact and how devastated my family and friends would have been had I actually succeeded.  I thought I was alone.  I thought even God had abandoned me. 

That my friends is a big fat lie and it is the greatest self-deception out there!  You're never alone!  You may not believe it right now, but trust me, I speak the truth because I have been there!

The question I was asked most was why-why would I even consider suicide as a possibility?  The best answer I have is being soul weary.  If you could see my soul-you'd see a bleeding gash here, a festering sore there and a gray almost lifeless lump barely breathing-struggling for every breath.  The pain is always there, it never goes away and you've lived this way for so long that you have given up all hope that it will ever change.  The only thought is ending the pain.  You're not trying to purposely hurt anyone else or exact revenge, you simply want to stop the pain.

I know what it is like to experience that still small voice of God because I heard it on that day.  It was a moment of crystal clear clarity.  I didn't really want to die!  I wanted to live!  I remember with tears rolling down my face praying one last prayer "God I don't want to die but I don't know how to live."  And that still small voice answered back "you're not going to die today because you have things that you need to do, you WILL live!"  And I did!

My homeroom teacher showed up at that moment.  He literally dragged/carried me to the nurse's office where I took a dose of Ipecac and spent the next few hours throwing up every pill I swallowed.  I owe my life to Tom Sargeant, one of my homeroom teachers, and Cindy Senning the school nurse who alternated between holding the pan and holding me!  My family, my friends they held me a lot tighter too.  They were angry, they were hurt, they wanted to understand but most importantly, they wanted me to know that they loved me and that I didn't have to go it alone! 

Healing did not come overnight.  It was a process that had to be worked through.  But healing did come and so did hope and joy and happiness.  It came from love!

I am blessed.  I got a second chance.  Life hasn't always been easy since then but I have never given up hope!  I am happy.  I do have joy! 

So when I say that my birthday wish for my family and friends is joy and happiness I mean it with all sincerity!  I don't want anyone to ever feel that they are alone!  I don't want them to feel that there is no hope!  I'm here, I love them and I want the very very best for them!  And I promise, I'll hold them very tight and I won't let go!  You are never alone!

If you are reading this and you are at the place that I describe, reach out, grab a family member or friend and let them help!  If you are a friend, don't wait to be asked, just go and help! 

And to my beloved family and friends-thank you for not giving up on me.  Thank you for holding tight and carrying me when I needed help.  Thank you for kicking my butt when appropriate!  Thank you for loving me-warts and all!  I am blessed indeed!

Happy birthday to me!